Beckett's First Date
by Mrs.DeppQueenObsessorGoddess
Summary: Cutler Beckett never saw the point of a blind date - and never will.


Hello, all! Yes, I know what you're thinking, _'Well, well - look who decided to update!' _And I don't blame you. It's been so long, but I've been SO SO busy with life (I know, a terrible excuse, but it's the only one I have - work with it). Anyway, this is the next installment of my 'Beckett's First' series, I hope you lot, my wonderful readers, enjoy it! If y'all like this and I get lots of reviews, we'll (or rather I) think of turning this into a chapter story - you'll see what I mean after you read it. Also, many thanks to LORD commodore Norry for helping me with random ideas, and to my Elephant Sister BroadwayMasquerade for beta reading. Love you, dearie!

Honestly, is this disclaimer nessicary? Must I keep reminding myself I don't - and never will - own anything remotly as amazing and historical as Pirates? I think we should boycott disclaimers.

* * *

Cutler Beckett never saw the point of a blind date. He never will.

It was another lonely Friday night for Cutler Beckett – he had dropped Mr.Stuffy off at his friend Sally the Turtles' house and was sitting alone, in his feetie pajamas, in front of a fire. Mercer was probably out shooting people or something, Cutler had had no visitors that day, and no one seemed to care about the hot-lonely guy with no one to talk to.

Cutler sighed and sipped his apple juice; this was going to be one long night. He contemplated throwing off his clothes and dancing maniacally in his underwear but thought better of it – he just wasn't in the mood.

So there he sat in silence, wishing he had something to live for.

A noise. He froze. Someone – or some_thing _was in the room with him, but what?

Cutler would've welcomed the excitement on such a dull night normally, but as he would later put it, he was 'too freaky french-toasted out' to care.

Slowly, Cutler reached for the first hard object he could find – his perfume bottle with his favourite scent – and prepared to sacrifice it to save his life (potentially).

Cutler flung out from behind his chair and – while shrieking like a little girl – chucked the perfume bottle at the noisemaker as hard as he could – which in turn crashed and filled the entire room with a strong lilac smell.

But the question on Cutler's mind was _whom did I pummel with my favourite lilac odor?_

No sooner had this question run through Cutler's mind when a very pissed off Mercer emerged from the perfume bottle debris.

"Oh, Mr. Mercer…" Cutler said, composing himself. "I didn't see you there, you startled me."

"Apparently." Mercer dryly stated. "I came to tell you, milord, that I have a solution for all your lonely nights."

Cutler perked up at this though – then said haughtily "I am _not_ lonely!"

Mercer gave him a 'yeah, riiiiight' look.

"Of course, since you went to all the trouble, I guess it wouldn't hurt for me to listen to your suggestion – however unnecessary it may be." Cutler arrogantly stated. He moved to go sit down, and after rolling his eyes, Mercer followed.

"Milord, I have arranged for you a…an informal meeting between you and a certain Mary-Sue-Opal-Radiance-Phoenixflower next Friday night." Mercer stumbled over the name; it was quite long, as it were.

Taken aback, Cutler accused "You set me up on a _blind date?!_"

"Oh, no, no." Mercer quickly explained. "Not a _date_, but more of an informal meeting in which two people converse and find out their compatibility between one another while eating food."

"Can I bring Mr.Stuffy?" Cutler asked, his eyes narrowed.

"Of course, milord."

"Then I'll go." Cutler reluctantly agreed.

As Friday night approached, Cutler obsessed over two things: what he would say and getting that lilac smell to be less strong.

He decided this whole 'informal meeting' was stupid and senseless, and he would just tell Ms.Mary-Sue-Opal-_whatever _that he wasn't interested.

That was Thursday.

--

On Friday, as much as Cutler hated to admit it, he was obsessing over the tiniest things – from his hair to Mr.Stuffy's shoes. He fussed about while getting ready, like throwing a tantrum because Mr.Stuffy's frock coat wasn't the exact shade of brown he wanted and spending an hour picking out the perfect powdered wig.

Eventually all was as well as it could be, and with Mr.Stuffy held tightly in his arms, Cutler bravely walked into the coach of which would take him to his first blind date.

All the way there Cutler and Stuffy talked and talked about how this was pointless and how this girl was probably too tall and had 6 children already.

Sooner rather than later, the coach arrived at a terribly high-class restaurant. Cutler and Stuffy strode in and took a seat - Mary-Summer-whoosywhatsit wasn't there yet.

Cutler hated to say it, but he was very nervous – but he kept reassuring himself he would tell her he wasn't interested, then he could go on his merry way.

Cutler had just set Mr.Stuffy down on the table beside him when he felt a happiness brighten the room. An aura of pure joy filled him – and he looked up to see the most brilliant wonder he had ever set his eyes on. She was the perfect height, had flowing honey blonde hair, deep-deep purple eyes which glowed in the fluorescent light, and she had dressed her oh-so-skinny frame in a lavender dress, which brought out her eyes even more.

Cutler was even more stunned when that radiant angel delicately sat down before him and said what seemed like such a magical word -"Hello." Her voice rung through the room like the heavens had erupted into a choir of song, cascading over Cutler like water down a stream.

Cutler barely noticed his hands shaking, his voice stuttering, or the fact that he could barely remember to blink or breathe – all he knew was that he was in complete and utter love. He had finally found the person who would change his life forever, who would complete him for eternity.

"H-h-h-hello." Cutler said, taking her creamy, soft hand in his trembling one. "I'm L-l-l-lord Bec-beckett, it's a p-p-p-pleasure to meet y-you, my g-god-dess."

"And a wonder to meet you, milord." That sounded so – so _right_ when she said it, like it was meant to be.

Wait. _What was her name? _He forgot her name! Mary-Sue-Opal_-something_. Oh, trousers, what was it?!

But then he remembered – Mr.Stuffy knew! Turning to Mr.Stuffy, Cutler said "Stuffykins, care to introduce yourself to…..her?"

Silence.

Oh, so _that's_ what it was! Cutler mentally decided to thank Mr.Stuffy later.

But when Cutler looked at his lover-to-be, she looked ultimately puzzled.

"Whatever is the matter, Mary-Sue-Opal-Radiance-Fireflower?" Cutler inquired in bewilderment.

"It's _Pheonixflower." _She corrected.

_Fudges, Mr.Stuffy! You got it WRONG!_

"And……..what is _that?" _Mary-Sue-Opal-Radiance-Pheonixflower so delicately asked while pointing to Mr.Stuffy.

"Oh, him? That'sjustMr.Stuffy,orStuffykins,asIsometimescallhim.He'smyroomie,nothingspecial…" Cutler spoke exceedingly fast and, seeing the disapproving stare of his love, he discreetly brushed his best friend off the table and out of sight onto the floor.

Quickly changing the subject, Cutler asked "So, what do you see in your future, Mary-Sue-Opal-Radiance-Pheonixflower?"

As she answered, Cutler became absorbed in every word that rolled off her beautiful tongue – it sounded like the sweetest of bells to him.

"Well," She so bluntly began, "It is my hope that my Prince Charming will burst through my door someday and sweep me off my feet and bring me to a land of chocolate rivers and sugar trees."

She _can't_ be serious.

But Cutler bought every word she said and clung to it as if his life depended on it – he _would_ be that man.

As their conversations wore on, Cutler became more and more convinced that he had found his one true love – which made him act increasingly weird and stalker-ish, and Mary-Sue-Opal-Radiance-Pheonixflower decided the more he talked the more he seemed like a creepy, clingy, stalker.

--

"…and that's why I have 11 toes. Can I have your address? Actually, never mind, I already have it. Can I have your shoe? Or a lock of hair? Or a _fingernail?!"_

Mary-Sue-Opal-Radiance-Pheonixflower didn't know how far this conversation would go, so she decided to end it here.

"I'm ever so sorry," She started, "but the truth is, I'm engaged to marry…." She thought fast "Captain Jack Sparrow, so I can never be with you, my sweet. I'm afraid I must now be swept away, and we must go our separate ways. Perhaps our paths will cross again. Until that fateful day, I bid you ado." And with that, Mary-Sue-Opal-Radiance-Pheonixflower glided away and out the door – out of Cutler's life.

Stunned, Cutler quietly whispered, "She's gone." And he quietly collected Mr.Stuffy and returned to his coach.

Once he sat down and they were off to his home, Cutler couldn't hold it in any longer. He burst out into hysterical sobs, cradling himself in a fetal position and screaming "WHY!? WHY MUST IT COME TO THIS!?" while rocking back and forth.

--

When he arrived home, Mercer had to carry the sobbing lump over his shoulder and into Cutler's room, setting Mr.Stuffy next to Cutler on his bed.

Hours later, after his sobbing subsided, Cutler grabbed Mr.Stuffy and held him up to the sky proclaiming for all to hear "I'll get you, Jack Sparrow! If it's the last thing I do – I'll get you for what you did to me! And your pretty little ship, too! You'll pay for ruining my relationship with my true love – I SWEAR IT!"

In the distance, calls of 'Shut up!', 'Get a life!', and 'I'm TRYING to sleep!' filled the neighbourhood.

But Cutler had sworn revenge, and he would have it.

* * *

So, what do you think? Like it, hate it, either way, I won't ever know unless you review. As I say, review to show you care. Do you care?

Anyway, in your review, tell me - should I make this into a full blown, multi chapter story? I will anyway, but I won't post it unless y'all think you'll read it. I hope you do. That's a good choice. ;) Anyway, thanks for reading, hope I made you laugh - if I did, my work is done here.


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